| Achievement | How to unlock |
| A Little Help from Your Friends (25 points) | Complete the Multiplayer game.
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| All Hail The Splode King (25 points) | Complete the Single Player game in Hardcore mode.
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| Eventual Destruction of a Galaxy (10 points) | Be on the lookout for an old friend.
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| Get Over Yourselves (10 points) | Select "Credits" from the "Help and Options" menu and watch the whole thing.
|
| Get Them Out of Our Schools (10 points) | Eliminate 10 Scientists and stop them from spreading their filthy lies.
|
| Lay Off the Caffeine (10 points) | Let your hyper little brother play the game for a bit.
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| Master of Controls (10 points) | Master the mastery of controlling your controls.
|
| Not a Portal Reference (25 points) | Collect all 47 cakes in Single Player mode.
|
| Omaha Steaks, Delicious! (15 points) | Create 5,000 filets.
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| Only Gandhi Would Be Proud (10 points) | How long can you handle being a pacifist?
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| Sugar High (25 points) | Collect all 47 cakes in Multiplayer mode.
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| You're the Best Around! (25 points) | Complete the Single Player game.
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